The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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