I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
