i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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