just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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