we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
