I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
