I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
