Your face is a jimmy john
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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