About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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