I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
