nut hugger
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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