every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
