Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
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