Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
