I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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