I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I did not marry a roomba.
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