There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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