Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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