M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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