I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
COCAINE IS GR8
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