I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
