you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
