Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
