So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
