Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
