i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
