I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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