DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
