I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
