I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
