i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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