I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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