textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
