my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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