So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
