I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize