I hate your face
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
