I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
