ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
