no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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