do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
