Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
