What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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