Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
