I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
