oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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