He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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