I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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