**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
