I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
