i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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