why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
No subtext here. People are naked.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
