Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
