Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize