Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
